Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
