The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
