I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
