Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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