we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you win again, gameday.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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