So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Is Oprah even human
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
