Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
