just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
