Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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