Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You don't make any sense
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