I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
