I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Randomize
