"it" just moved
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
