his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
