Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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