I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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