I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
