I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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