there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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