is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
