Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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