capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
