College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
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