I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
