he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
