Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
and you fell through a lawn chair
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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