He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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