She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
NoShamevember. You game?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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