You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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