That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
