OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
