The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
