Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
