Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
