You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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