Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
