Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
