so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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