I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
