I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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