Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I need water and some morals
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
