remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize