I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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