and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
