remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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