it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
