In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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