I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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