I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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