If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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