im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
