She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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