best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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