I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
