no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
